Glitz & Grammar

Life and Times of a Wannabe Writer


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Quickie: I gave up on life & joined match.com!!

Hello friends. How’s it going? How are your lives? Mine is okay, if by “okay” you mean “really fucking terrible.” I’ve got a huge writing deadline tonight for an assignment I have yet to start and also I just realized the dude I’m mad in love with will never love me the way that I love him and I’m feeling all like WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY EXISTENCE AND WHY DID I JUST EAT THAT MUCH THAI FOOD IN ONE SITTING?!

Anyway, all I’ve really done today is tweet a bunch of stupid shit I thought was funny and sign up for match.com. The latter of which I did a couple glasses of cheap wine in, so my profile ended up indicating that I was a “cigar aficionado seeking females ages 18-19.” Which really, I’m kinda okay with and probably wont change even once I sober up.

I also entered the following as a description of myself and what I’m looking for in an ideal mate:

And this for the “Favorite Things” section (I tried to keep it pretty honest with this one):

On a serious note, do you guys think I will EVER find a guy to love me? Also, if you’re on Match, send me a wink. My username is HotMessJess69.

*****

EDIT: Guys! someone finally winked at me! Check it out:


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Day in the life

6:00 a.m.
Alarm goes off. Hit snooze button. Twice, maybe three times, depending on whether wine was consumed night before.

6:30 a.m.
Shower. Wash hair. Never mind washing hair. I’ll just wear it up again.

 7:15 a.m.
Check email. Check Twitter. Check Facebook. Check clock. Shit. I’m late.

7:55 a.m.
Get in car. Hopefully it starts. Turn on radio. That same fucking Adele song. Turn off.

8:00 a.m. – 8:35 a.m.
Fuck Las Vegas traffic.

8:40 a.m.
Utilize James Bond skills to stealthily sneak past bosses and into cubicle. They’re too busy to notice I’m late anyway. Clock in.

 8:41 a.m. – 4:59 p.m.
Stare at computer screen while considering least painful ways to commit suicide.

5:00 p.m.
Never mind the killing myself thing. Life is awesome!!

5:02 p.m.
Get in car. Turn on radio. Adele. Turn off.

5:03 p.m. – 5:50 p.m.
Seriously with this traffic?

6:00 p.m.
Pour self a cocktail. Feed self.

7:30 p.m.
Sit down to computer. Time to get some writing done. Open Safari instead. Check email. Check Twitter. Check Facebook.

8:30 p.m.
Think about all the things I should be writing about.

9:30 p.m. – 10:30 p.m.
Go to the gym. It’s literally only a two minute walk from my house, so why not?

9:30 p.m.
Pour self another cocktail.

11:00 p.m.
Get in bed. Feel exhausted despite having accomplished nothing for the day. Think about all the things I should have written about.

11:30 p.m. – 6:00 a.m.
Dream about the day I’ll have enough time and energy to actually write something worth reading.

6:00 a.m.
Repeat. Unless it’s a Saturday or Sunday, in which case…go to second job.

6:00 p.m.

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