Glitz & Grammar

Life and Times of a Wannabe Writer


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#Puppies/an ode to my roommate

Puppies are the one thing in life that makes me be all like, “Dude, maybe there really is a God.” They are just so undeniably perfect, you know? I mean, they are fucking PUPPIES.

I used to write from home for a living, which meant I spent about an hour a day writing and seven hours a day watching puppy videos on YouTube. It was by far the best three months ever, but I ended up having to get another job because I just couldn’t afford that kind of lifestyle anymore.

Anyway, this blog post is actually going to be about my amazing roommate, Kim, not puppies. I just figured I’d get way more hits if I was able to tag “puppies” and include a couple photos of those adorable, awesome-breath-having mother fuckers.

I don’t really feel bad about it either. Because the truth is, my roommate is actually kind of like a puppy! In fact, in some ways Kim is even better than a puppy. (Which I’m pretty sure, according to my opening statement, proves the existence of God. Right?! I don’t know. Religion is so confusing.)

It’s just like, Kim has so many of the same great qualities that are often had by puppies. But she also doesn’t piss on and destroy my favorite pairs of shoes. She doesn’t hump my friends’ legs, and I never have to take her on stupid walks around the neighborhood. I don’t even have to pick up this bitch’s poop! She just goes in the toilet and then flushes that shit all on her own!

But let’s get real.

Every day after work I hop in my car, turn up that dubstep, and get super juiced to go home and play with my roommate. And when I do get home, there she is! Standing at the door, greeting me with a “Welcome home, bro!” I mean sure she’s got no tail to wag, but I’ll tell you what. Sometimes she greets me with a cocktail in hand. No puppy has ever greeted me at the door with a cocktail in hand! Figure out how to mix the perfect martini and get back to me, puppies.

We are talking about a girl here who cooked me up a breakfast feast the other morning whenI woke up hungover as fuck. No joke. She just whipped up some coconut orange pancakes with a citrus glaze like it was nothin’. And that was just the side dish!

In addition to being a super kind and thoughtful human being, Kim is probably the most fun chick I’ve ever met. Every day is an adventure with this girl. She’s always got a smile on her face and if you don’t, she’ll drop everything she’s doing to find a way to put one on yours too.

One of my favorite roommate memories (that won’t get me arrested for admitting to the internet) occurred during a night we shared down at the hot tub. Sorry boys, not what you’re thinking. It was freezingballs cold and we were in our bathing suits (duh), carrying plastic cups of wine and circling the sauna in search of a button that might turn on the jets. I don’t know whether we scored some really good pot that night or if that jets button was just clandestine as fuck, but we couldn’t find the thing for the life of us. I think we made 15 laps before discovering even one button – one that read: EMERGENCY SHUT OFF SWITCH.

“This looks dangerous, bro,” I warned my sweet angel of a roomie. “I mean, emergency shut off of what?”

Kim thought deeply for a moment.

“Dude. You found it!” she then exclaimed. “The emergency shut off switch to the zombie apocalypse!” Then we laughed so hard that people started coming out onto their balconies to see wtf was going on.

You guys have got to trust me that at the time it was prob the funniest thing in the history of humor and all things comedic. I mean come on, a shut off button to the zombie apocalypse? Get the heck out of here, you crazy broad!

Regardless, there was no zombie apocalypse in progress that night. We ended up just calling off our hunt for the elusive bubble button and jumping on in that still-watered mofo. It was a fun night that I don’t ever want to forget. So if you thought that story was stupid, sorry but I don’t even kind of care. Because in ten years I’m going to re-read this post and ROFLMAO.

Anyway guys, that’s it. Don’t forget to check out next week’s blog post about the #2012PresidentialCandidates. Haha…SIKE! But you can bet your booty I’m gonna tag that shit now, too!

Boom shaka laka.

Kim and I. Have I mentioned yet she’s awesome?

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