Glitz & Grammar

Life and Times of a Wannabe Writer


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Seuss, M.D.

[Disclaimer: the two images I used to create "House in the Hat" are not mine. They are the results of a Google search. Please don't sue me. I am broke and get paid $0.00 for maintaining this blog. This is all in good fun.]

I’m writing the pilot episode to a new TV drama that’s just like that doctor show House except this one’s called Seuss and he diagnoses everything in rhyme. Here is an excerpt from the script:

Lupus Lupus it is not
It is not Lupus like I thought

I was almost certain to the highest decree
So if it is not Lupus, what can it be?

Let’s examine the symptoms: 1, 2 and 3:
Siezures?
Renal failure?
It hurts when you pee?
Sure sounds like Lupus to me!

But alas! What’s this? A travel brochure to Laos?
What do you mean where’d I find it? My interns snuck into your house.

This clue is the answer to your diagnosis!
We now know it’s not Lupus or even Cystic Fibrosis.
Not Porphyria or Sepsis or hemochromatosis,
Not cancer, not AIDS, not tuberculosis.

You’re not ill or dying, everything’s under control.
There’s just a tiny fish in your wiener hole!

So what do you guys think? I know medical dramas are kind of played out. In fact, you probably noticed I stole that whole dick fish idea from an old episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Nonetheless, I feel like I may be sitting on a gold mine here so I kind of want to strike while the iron’s hot. Also, I’m fully aware the Candiru (dick fish) are native to the Amazon, so please no comments or emails about my failure to fact check. Trust me, I Wikipedia-ed that shit a LONG time ago. If “Amazon” rhymed with “house,” I would have used “Amazon.” But it didn’t. So no coming at me, bro.


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Top 10 reasons Santa is kind of an asshole

Listen guys, there’s something I’ve got to tell you but you’re not going to like it. And I don’t even know how to ease into this kind of thing so I’m just going to go balls out and say it. Ready? Here it goes: Santa Claus is kind of an asshole.

You don’t believe me? Read on.

1.  The dude is obviously a racist. Not only does he completely avoid the houses of Jewish and Muslim kids, but clearly Santa didn’t get the memo about the abolishment of slavery almost 150 years ago. He still runs a sweatshop where he forces innocent little Christmas elves to work in stressful conditions under impossible deadlines, and for ZERO compensation. Hey Santa, it’s called the Thirteenth Amendment, bro. Wikipedia that shit. You’d think someone from the North Pole would have a clue.

2.  He’s a totally awful friend. Santa is the kind of guy who will one minute talk mad shit about you behind your back – about what a freakshow you are with that goofy red nose of yours – then the next minute, when he discovers you have some cool use that benefits HIM, he totally wants to be BFFs!

3. He wears fur, and I’m like 80% sure it’s rabbit fur. #bunnykiller

4.  Those letters you write him? The sweet, sentimental ones where you spill your heart recounting the good things you’ve done all year and maybe, just maybe, you throw a line in there about a thing or two it might be really nice to get this Christmas? Yeah, he doesn’t even read those. It’s true. He pays some guy at the Post Office to weed out the Santa letters from the rest of the mail and then throw them away.

5. He eats all the fucking milk and cookies. Think about it. Even if only one out of every 20 houses still participates in the leaving out of milk and cookies tradition, that’s like 30+ million milks and cookies for Santa. He gobbles that shit up, climbs back up the chimney, and what does he bring back for his reindeer friends? Fucking carrots and celery. You’ve got to be kidding me, you greedy tub of lard!

6.  He’s creepy as fuck. We’re talking about a guy who not only watches people sleep, but someone who hangs out in shopping malls asking little girls to sit on his lap and take pictures with him. What a mega-perv.

7.  Who does this guy think he is determining whether I’ve been naughty or nice? And what the hell is wrong with getting a little naughty every now and then anyway? Let me tell you a secret, Santa. You’re the only dude I know giving me shit for being naughty.

8.  He hates poor people. Santa doesn’t get shit for poor kids, but the rich kids wake up Christmas morning to their own private fucking FAO Shwartz.

9.  Does no one find it shady that this dude’s got more aliases than Charlie Sheen does drug addictions? Santa Claus, St. Nick, St. Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas…WHO ARE YOU, SANTA?!

10.  If you’re still not convinced this dude’s a total asshole, here is one last thing to think about: He’s totally banging my mom. And he’s banging your mom too.

What a jerk.


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James Franco is not a tool, but this guy is

For the most part, I love pretty much everyone I meet. I’m sort of naïve in general, which is both a blessing and a curse. If you even believe in things like blessings and curses, which I don’t. But I still like to use the expression because I can never think of one that means the same thing. So anyway, I’m like this totally naïve and mostly oblivious human being who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to start unprompted and often unwelcome conversations with random peeps because, quite frankly, she was never really taught you shouldn’t talk to strangers. PS: this character trait is exponentially more prominent when I’m drunk.

Anyway, that was all a really long and somewhat irrelevant introduction because this is actually going to be a post about someone I think is kind of a tool.

To get straight to the point, I’m just going to insert a screenshot of a recent Facebook blabbering I had with said tool. See if you can pick him out. (Please notice I’ve blacked out names in an attempt to trick people into thinking I have at least an inkling of decency.)

Does this not boggle your mind?! I wasn’t kidding about the fact that I only know this guy because when I was 16 I got drunk for the first time at his house. Since that day ten years ago, I’ve encountered him like, maybe three times. And then WHAMMA! This shit!

I just can’t imagine what could have possibly happened to give this dude such disdain for James Franco. Like all I could think was, “Geez, did James Franco bang this dude’s wife or something?” But then I was like, “No way! James Franco would never pull such a dicked move.” Because if you know anything about James Franco, you know he’s a super cool and moral dude. (And smart, and talented, and sexy, yadi yada.)

Second and foremost, where the fuck does this guy come off saying James Franco’s smile is anything less than beautiful? That’s simply not true! In fact, I’d go so far as to say James Franco has one of the best smiles I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen a lot of great smiles in my life!

Sorry I keep getting so worked up about this, but seriously. If there’s one thing in this world I love more than Kevin Spacey (and writing), it’s a Gosh damn JAMES FRANCO!

So listen here, Mr. Name-Blacked-Out-For-The-Sake-Of-Bullshit-Decency. Listen here real closely. You can take your stupid “Fagko” and halitosis comments and shove them right up your stupid butt!

I hope your baby pukes and diarrheas all over your house tonight.

Peace and love,
Jess

Oh and on a side note, have you guys ever realized how no matter what you are doing, it’s the most epic thing in the world if that song Bittersweet Symphony comes on while doing it?

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