Listen guys, there’s something I’ve got to tell you, but you’re not going to like it. And I don’t even know how to ease into this kind of thing so I’m just going to go balls out and say it. Ready? Here goes: Santa Claus is kind of an asshole.
You don’t believe me? Read on.
1. The dude is obviously a racist. Not only does he completely avoid the houses of Jewish and Muslim kids, but clearly Santa didn’t get the memo about the abolishment of slavery almost 150 years ago. He still runs a sweatshop where he enslaves adorable little Christmas elves and forces them to work around the clock, on a deadline, and for no compensation other than spirit and cheer. Hey Santa, it’s called the Thirteenth Amendment, bro. Wikipedia that shit. You’d think someone from the North Pole would have a clue.
2. He’s a totally awful friend. Santa is the kind of guy who will one minute talk mad shit about you behind your back – about what a freakshow you are for having a red nose – then the next minute, when he discovers you have some cool use, he totally wants to be BFFs! This aint high school, Santa. Grow up, man.
3. He wears fur, and I’m like 80% sure it’s rabbit fur. Dead baby bunny fur, probably. How does that make you guys feel inside?
4. Those letters you write him? The sweet, sentimental ones where you spill your heart recounting the good things you’ve done all year and maybe, just maybe, you throw a line in there about a thing or two it might be really nice to get this Christmas? Yeah, he doesn’t even read those. I found out. He pays some guy at the Post Office to weed Santa letters out from the rest of the mail and throw them away. Your letters. In the trashcan.
5. He eats all the fucking milk and cookies. Think about it. Even if only one out of every 20 houses still participates in the leaving out of milk and cookies tradition, that’s like 30+ million milks and cookies for Santa. He gobbles that shit up, climbs back up the chimney, and what does he bring back for his reindeer friends? Fucking carrots and celery. You’ve got to be kidding me, you greedy tub of lard!
6. He’s creepy as fuck. We’re talking about a guy who not only watches people sleep, but someone who hangs out in shopping malls asking little girls to sit on his lap and take pictures with him. What a mega-perv.
7. Who does this guy think he is determining whether I’ve been naughty or nice? And what the hell is wrong with getting a little naughty every now and then anyway? Let me tell you a secret, Santa. You’re the only dude I know giving me shit for being naughty.
8. He hates poor people. Santa doesn’t get shit for poor kids, but the rich kids wake up Christmas morning to their own private fucking FAO Shwartz. It has been said that Santa is the sole reason the rich get richer.
9. Does no one find it shady that this dude’s got more aliases than Charlie Sheen does drug addictions? Santa Claus, St. Nick, St. Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas…WHO ARE YOU, SANTA?!
10. If you’re still not convinced this dude’s a total asshole, here is one last thing to think about: He’s totally banging my mom. And he’s banging your mom too.
What a jerk.