Glitz & Grammar

Life and Times of a Wannabe Writer


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You Might Need This

Hello writers and fellow wannabe writers! Because I am a good friend (or at least a semi-decent internet friend), I have decided to share with you this awesome new shirt I just purchased from Raygun. ($19…what a deal!) I will also link you to the website where YOU can purchase your very own. See? Told you I’m not so bad. Just make sure to call and give me a heads up the days you wear it so we don’t look totally ridiculous rocking twin blog-a-lot shirts. How embarrassing.


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Quickie: I gave up on life & joined match.com!!

Hello friends. How’s it going? How are your lives? Mine is okay, if by “okay” you mean “really fucking terrible.” I’ve got a huge writing deadline tonight for an assignment I have yet to start and also I just realized the dude I’m mad in love with will never love me the way that I love him and I’m feeling all like WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY EXISTENCE AND WHY DID I JUST EAT THAT MUCH THAI FOOD IN ONE SITTING?!

Anyway, all I’ve really done today is tweet a bunch of stupid shit I thought was funny and sign up for match.com. The latter of which I did a couple glasses of cheap wine in, so my profile ended up indicating that I was a “cigar aficionado seeking females ages 18-19.” Which really, I’m kinda okay with and probably wont change even once I sober up.

I also entered the following as a description of myself and what I’m looking for in an ideal mate:

And this for the “Favorite Things” section (I tried to keep it pretty honest with this one):

On a serious note, do you guys think I will EVER find a guy to love me? Also, if you’re on Match, send me a wink. My username is HotMessJess69.

*****

EDIT: Guys! someone finally winked at me! Check it out:


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Quickie: Sexy and I know it

My eyes are the ugliest shade of brown you ever knew existed, and one of them is significantly larger than the other. Same with my tits. (Not the brown thing, but the varying sizes thing.) It takes two and a half hours to de-fro my hair, so I tend to go days without so much as brushing it. My body is covered in bruises and scars, and if I go longer than two weeks without getting them waxed, my eyebrows will literally take over my entire fucking face. I’m the only person I know who can gain ten pounds in less than a week, and more than five people have compared my big toes to Chicken McNuggets. I have cankles, a huge nose, and crooked bottom teeth.

But I am beautiful.

And I just wanted to remind you that you are too.


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Quickie: Safe sex

There comes a time in every girl’s life when she must swallow her pride, drive herself to the gas station, and buy a big pack of Trojan Ribbed for Her Pleasures. Some girls hold their heads high and handle this situation like mature fucking adults. I prefer to handle things a little differently: By wearing a disguise. Wish me luck tonight, friends.

20111218-190231.jpgIncognito for condom-buying


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Quickie: I’m a REALLY BAD blogger

Hey guys! Let’s talk about the fact that I haven’t blogged all month because I can’t peel myself away from my game console for more than 25 seconds. Today I actually considered bathrooming in my pants rather than pushing pause and just bathrooming in the bathroom like a normal fucking human being. I promise you I will post something super awesome within the next couple days. I would promise to post something “super epic” but I am so gosh damn tired of the word epic. Aren’t you? I’m just like, “Ughhh…it’s so tiring!”

Anyway, have a great night and remember it’s okay to take intermittent potty breaks. Those dragons/gangsters/robots/hookers WILL STILL BE THERE when you get back.

Pink controller courtesy of my brohim. Instagram @jessicafarkas!

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