Since recently re-entering the dating world (my re-entry actually began last September, I just still feel like a n00b) I have noticed a strong correlation between guys who talk about how wonderful they are and guys who are really not all that wonderful. Here is a graph I created to help illustrate my observations and findings:

I just can’t even believe the number of dudes who will go out of their way to convince me of how wonderful they are. They are all like, “Trust me, you’ve never met a dude more honest and sincere than me. I’m for reals the most honest and sincere dude on planet Earth!” And then they’re all like, “I don’t believe in treating women with anything but kindness and respect. Let me tell you, I am one kind and respectful mother fucker!” And then it’s like, “I’m only living with my parents right now so I can prepare to save all women and children of the world from chaos and mass destruction later down the road.”

These guys are so good at talking themselves up to be the catch of the century that by the time I’m done speaking with one of them I’m all like, “Holy shit this guy’s better than James Franco!”

But then he turns out to be the mayor of fucking Jerktown.

And I’m just like what the fuck, dude. I thought you were supposed to be super wonderful?

It’s seriously so irritating, and the moral of this story is I’m only going to start dating self-loathing asshats. At least that way I can only be pleasantly surprised – and not heartbroken – if they turn out to be anything different.