Glitz & Grammar

Life and Times of a Wannabe Writer


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James Franco is not a tool, but this guy is

For the most part, I love pretty much everyone I meet. I’m sort of naïve in general, which is both a blessing and a curse. If you even believe in things like blessings and curses, which I don’t. But I still like to use the expression because I can never think of one that means the same thing. So anyway, I’m like this totally naïve and mostly oblivious human being who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to start unprompted and often unwelcome conversations with random peeps because, quite frankly, she was never really taught you shouldn’t talk to strangers. PS: this character trait is exponentially more prominent when I’m drunk.

Anyway, that was all a really long and somewhat irrelevant introduction because this is actually going to be a post about someone I think is kind of a tool.

To get straight to the point, I’m just going to insert a screenshot of a recent Facebook blabbering I had with said tool. See if you can pick him out. (Please notice I’ve blacked out names in an attempt to trick people into thinking I have at least an inkling of decency.)

Does this not boggle your mind?! I wasn’t kidding about the fact that I only know this guy because when I was 16 I got drunk for the first time at his house. Since that day ten years ago, I’ve encountered him like, maybe three times. And then WHAMMA! This shit!

I just can’t imagine what could have possibly happened to give this dude such disdain for James Franco. Like all I could think was, “Geez, did James Franco bang this dude’s wife or something?” But then I was like, “No way! James Franco would never pull such a dicked move.” Because if you know anything about James Franco, you know he’s a super cool and moral dude. (And smart, and talented, and sexy, yadi yada.)

Second and foremost, where the fuck does this guy come off saying James Franco’s smile is anything less than beautiful? That’s simply not true! In fact, I’d go so far as to say James Franco has one of the best smiles I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen a lot of great smiles in my life!

Sorry I keep getting so worked up about this, but seriously. If there’s one thing in this world I love more than Kevin Spacey (and writing), it’s a Gosh damn JAMES FRANCO!

So listen here, Mr. Name-Blacked-Out-For-The-Sake-Of-Bullshit-Decency. Listen here real closely. You can take your stupid “Fagko” and halitosis comments and shove them right up your stupid butt!

I hope your baby pukes and diarrheas all over your house tonight.

Peace and love,
Jess

Oh and on a side note, have you guys ever realized how no matter what you are doing, it’s the most epic thing in the world if that song Bittersweet Symphony comes on while doing it?


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Shalom Y’all

Welcome to G&G. G&G is the super cute acronym I came up with for my blog, Glitz & Grammar, which is a cute play on words, particularly on the phrase, “Glitz and Glamour.” You’ll notice in that last sentence, the one containing four commas, that grammar’s not really my thing. So what’s with the title you ask? It’s super fucking cute. That’s what.

So here’s the deal: I’ve been blogging for an audience made up of my mom and my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. I also write a film column over at Wildflower Magazine, which makes me feel like I’m better at life than I probably really am.

The purpose of G&G, though, is to create a place on the internet that is entirely my own – a place where I am free to spew the projective verbal vomit that is constantly getting me in trouble everywhere else in the world. Because what’s life without a safe place for word-barf? You know what I mean?

I don’t know that G&G will be up everyone’s alley. In fact, I wouldn’t be all that shocked if it’s up nobody’s alley. That’s okay – my mom will still read it. The point is, I want a place to write every day because if there is one thing I love in this world, it’s writing. I actually probably wont write every day. Or even close to it. So I guess that part of the previous statement is kind of bullshit. But I did just empty my checking account to purchase this domain/blog title (tell me it’s cute) so I’d better at least get some use out of it. What’s that? It only costs $17 a year to purchase a custom domain through WordPress? Yeah. I know that.

Anyway, I’m going to aim to update once a week-ish. Most people like to aim high, but I prefer to hold expectations of myself pretty low. That way if I accomplish anything I’m just like, “NICE!” And if I actually exceed my expectations I’m just like, “ffffffffuckkkking MIND BLOWERRR!” Those are way better feelings than creating all these semi-realistic goals for myself that I’ll probably never attain because when it comes down to it, I’m kind of lazy. Plus I work three jobs and hardly have time to keep my hygiene in check let alone update some stupid blog every day. So let’s just go for once a week, is that cool?

Do you want to know what to expect from G&G? Okay. Here are some things you might see on my blog:

  • Ramblings about my shortcomings as a human being;
  • Ramblings about the shortcomings of other people as human beings;
  • Reviews (on music, on restaurants, on tequilas, etc.);
  • Snippets of my screenplays. I’ve got about 7 in the works;
  • Excerpts from my novels. I’ve got about 27 in the works;
  • Relationship and dating advice from a 26-year-old who has only had two boyfriends. Ever;
  • My attempts/failures at acquiring a sense of fashion;
  • The things I would do to Kevin Spacey if he would let me;
  • Top ten lists. Man, I love top ten lists!;
  • Samples of my bad photography;
  • Internal debates with myself centering around topics like, “Should I name my future cat Yoshi or Dr. Gonzo?; and, as my tagline might suggest,
  • First person accounts of my life and times as a wannabe writer.

Here are some things you shouldn’t expect to see on my blog:

  • Super intense opinion pieces on my political and religious beliefs. Everyone on this side of Lake Mead knows I’m a non-theist hippie liberal. But you aint gotta be one to kick it;
  • Some great new recipe I conjured up. Get real;
  • Thought provoking discussion about a book I just read. I read novels written primarily for adolescent males. My favorite authors include Tom Robbins, Dave Eggers, Hunter S. Thompson and Tim Sandlin, in case you were wondering.
  • Samples of my good photography;
  • Philosophical revelations about the meaning of life. I’ve got no fucking clue, dude.

Finally, I thought I’d just share a few fun facts about me because everyone likes talking about themselves and I’m no exception:

  • When I was 11, I moved from the Bay Area to a town where cow tipping and bunny bashing were acceptable and common pastimes for children my age;
  • I was a vegetarian for like five years, but now there’s nothing I like better than a big piece of meat in my mouth;
  • The happiest I’ve ever felt was sitting under a waterfall in Africa;
  • When I was in kindergarten I asked my teacher what happened to all the girl presidents;
  • I laugh when I’m scared;
  • Sub sandwiches make up 97% of my diet; and
  • I fall in love with 97% of the people I meet on a day-to-day basis.

If this blog sounds like something you can dig, stick around, click that little orange RSS button and subscribe! If you think I sound like a douchebag and don’t want anything to do with me or my blog, well that’s pretty harsh. But it’s cool. Because my mom thinks you’re an asshole and probably wouldn’t want me hanging out with you anyway.

So that’s it, peeps. I really hope you’ll stop by every now and then. I actually look very forward to puking all over your computer monitors.

Peace and love,
Jess

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